Here I am again, in front of this same screen, struggling to write something. My struggle isn’t what to write this time but how to articulate what I am feeling while still staying true to my purpose of this blog. (Disclaimer… my blog is not a place where I allow myself to whine but a place to document my truth and hopefully help some folks that are struggling with similar things along the way). So here goes….
Let me start by saying I have encountered many failing marriages lately and although some circumstances and details are a mystery, it saddens my spirit knowing the pain those families will likely face as they move through the “land of divorce”. And lately my words of encouragement are few. The “time heals all” and faith filled uplifting sayings are not my first response. The feeling in my gut is “I’m losing faith”. Faith that the family unit will ever be honored and treasured, faith that people will inherently do the right thing and be committed to their marriage vows and faith that all things wronged will be made right. It just doesn’t feel like it anymore. It seems that moreover those doing the wrong things are rewarded time and time again, while those that try to do good and be righteous in their ways get the shaft. Like really… I want my happy ending… I want to not have to share my children, I want to live without guilt that my 2 littles will never know or have an intact family, I want to be able to go to my kids events and not have those that cheat and lie in my space and certainly I want to raise my children without the influence of those same immoral people. And lastly (way last) at some point I would like to have a partner that I could share my life and family with and it look like it is suppose to (biblically – not meshing together of families from 2nd and 3rd marriages) Needless to say, I want a lot of things – all of which I am not going to ever get – without Michael J. Fox and his Delorean Time Machine.
My plan A – husband, house, children, dog, white picket fence – obviously did not work out. And what’s bad is I had no expectation that it would not work out. In my mind I never even dreamed I would need to come up with a Plan B for my life. And let me digress for just a hot minute – please don’t misconstrue my outpouring in this post as me wanting my marriage back with my ex-husband because I don’t – it was unhealthy and I can honestly say that I don’t miss him one bit. I just want the things that went with the marriage to remain intact – all the things that I loved about my life to remain the same. So on to this Plan B – this 2nd choice life…. Can it be good or ever feel right. I am not sure, that remains yet unseen. BUT even in my darkest hour, the stamping my feet because I am mad at GOD – I still look to him for answers and comfort.
In the Old Testament Elijah went through some terrible struggles and although he was a faithful servant of GOD, one who GOD anointed as a great prophet, he still felt the struggle and the pain. God provided for Elijah – yet he still had to encounter the tough times. Which was not something I really wanted hear but that is TRUTH straight from the WORD. Even more to my dismay…..the bible also says that GOD makes the sun rise on the evil AND on the good, and sends rain on the just AND on the unjust. Again, I didn’t want to hear that either…. Why can’t my struggle have a timer on it – and to my count I have long expired the timer of suffering and struggle in my life. Why can’t it rain and sunshine on those that do the RIGHT thing, leaving a dark drought on the others – it might make me feel better. However, Its the truth of God’s word … and although I may not like it – IT is what IT is. So here I am left looking to put the pieces together of this fractured Plan B of a Life. Will they ever fit together just right, absolutely they will NOT, so I guess I must change my expectations of what it should look like. That’s been the toughest obstacle to overcome thus far and I am certainly not going to profess I even remotely know how to do it. I will say this… Even when I don’t feel like GOD is listening, even when I am pissed at GOD and even when I don’t much feel like it – I will TRUST that God is working this one out.
In the meantime, I am trudging forward day by day. Good changes are on the horizon and good times with the folks I love the most sprinkled throughout my year. So there….