There was a point in 2015 when this journey was just beginning that my life coach had tasked me with writing down what I thought a healthy marriage looked like; what I wanted in a relationship/marriage. I gave this assignment careful thought and attention. Once I came up with the list we reviewed it in session and the next step was to communicate that to my husband, at the time. We were just a few months into our separation and we were both vacillating back and forth. I was hopeful that this would start the conversation for us to determine what direction we were going. I carefully wrote a loving email, one which wasn’t accusatory but factual and included my list of what I wanted in a marriage.
He responded, then I responded and then we sent a couple more emails back and forth. Reading those today I still feel the same as I did when I received them – like I was in the twilight zone. Was he even reading the same email that I sent????? His answers weren’t even relevant to the email that he was responding to – it was bizarre.
Now almost 4 years into my singleness I still have MY LIST. The list has always been a guideline for me, a beacon so to speak, to keep me focused on what it is I really wanted in a relationship. And I have had moments in my life where I started to lose sight of these things I so painstakingly thought through and wrote down and so desperately wanted.
Before we go any further in this post, let me share the list.
Healthy marriage/relationship looks like having:
Someone that is committed to being faithful through the good times and bad times. Someone that I can trust no matter what.
Someone that makes me feel good about myself. Who’s Eye does not wander and look at other girls in my presence and flirt with them.
That I am allowed to have friendships and do girl things with my friends.
To be with someone that believes marriage is a partnership and that will help with the kids and our obligations with the kids
To be with someone who enjoys supporting me or even joining me in activities I’m passionate about, like athletic activities such as running, triathlons, biking, adoption mission trips, whatever the case may be I want someone there to cheer me on.
To have someone to enjoy my life with. Which includes adult activities, ( having adult things to look forward to) going out with friends, trips etc. as well as having someone that will be present and enjoy attending my children’s events and activities.
To have someone that wants to come home and enjoy the simple things in life. Watching a TV show doing homework cooking supper.
To be with someone who can enjoy drinking socially.
Being with someone who is open to meeting new friends and nurturing friendships existing.
Being with someone who is respectful of me and does not call me names
Being with someone who cares about being with us and he puts us in front of other people. Makes me and my family priority
Living without being under constant suspicion that I’m doing something wrong.
Someone that is genuinely interested in me and how my day went and can discuss the things that are important to me
Being with someone who takes care of themselves and their body. Proactively seeks to remedy conditions that ails them
Being with someone that has compassion for me. Allowing me to be sick, etc
Being with someone who supports my faith, is by my side at church and who has a personal relationship with God
Being with someone who can say they are sorry for doing wrong and truly mean it
I have had some heart to heart conversations with GOD about this list and if there was a man that checked all these boxes out there for me. And if there was could he just hurry and reveal him. But again you learn at times like these that “It’s in the waiting”. God tells us in John 13:7 “You may not understand NOW what I am doing but SOMEDAY you will.
My SOMEDAY has arrived….. and so has the man that checks all of those boxes on MY LIST and so many more.
A list penned years before….. my heart’s desire spelled out and known by an all-knowing GOD, a lesson in patience, obedience, forgiveness, humility and trust. A journey of tears, laughter, friendship, and healing that ends (really begins) with happiness.