Some days I walk through my life and wonder “how did I get here?”, ” what happened to my life”. I have a tendency to look backwards at times (thank you Timehop) and wonder – where did it all go, how did I get here – all those questions most of us that have experienced divorce ask ourselves and especially the big question.. WHY?. Why did I experience that pain, why did my kids have to be affected…. and the list of why questions can go on and on. I try not to stay in that place for very long, as one can get stuck there/ languishing, but I do go there on occasion for brief moments.
Those brief moments of reflections now are courtesy of my new life, my new love which provides a tool for comparison. Comparing the dysfunctional to the functional. Standing in awe of a man now who adores me compared to one that I am not sure even liked me. Enjoying good times with friends old and new, laughing and celebrating compared to being isolated and lonely. Enjoying a relationship that is easy, fun and full of laughter compared to one that was hard, adverse and sullen. Being respected in every aspect of life compared to being disrespected in every conceivable way. My new life is a STARK comparison of the one I left behind.
And what is so striking to me when I do reminisce back to that life that seems like soooo long ago, is that GOD listened and took notes. Things I wrote in my journals of my needs and wants in a relationship. GOD was even paying attention to hurtful words said to me, harsh interactions, those things that were never written or articulated to anyone – HE saw, He knew. He knew my life needed to be remixed – it needed pruning. (He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2 ) And if you think about pruning, cutting and tearing away and leaving behind – it’s painful. Painful but necessary for growth, for new life.
GOD took notes, pruned but even better HE delivered. He delivered someone that made all those wrongs right. Someone who tore down walls of protection and provides safety in my vulnerability. Someone who GOD knew would heal my hurts and my heart and bring value to my life and the lives of my children. That right there is being KNOWN…….. Known by an all-knowing and loving GOD.
So I do look back… it still makes me sad of all that has transpired but I know that GOD had a plan and a purpose and I am finally seeing it come to fruition. As I have said many times… Beauty from Ashes!