Divorce changes you. In many ways. But all who have been divorced know that you come out of the process broken, armored up and a little worse for wear. When I emerged, although I felt better – I could breathe easier and I had a plan for what I wanted my life to look like – I still had triggers, guarded emotions and just plain broken tendencies from years of a bad relationship.
As hard as I try those survival skills that I needed to get me through hard core divorce battle and re-establishing life as a single woman won’t go away that easy. They appear often even now in my married life when they are not needed. The triggers show up even though I know I am safe and loved. Add some PMS to those situations and at times I can be quite a challenge – for anyone.
Here’s where my story gets super beautiful. GOD knew all of this – he knew my struggles and what I would continue to struggle with and he delivered DEAN… I might would call him JOB from the bible, as his patience through suffering perseveres lol.
Marriage is work – we all agree to that old adage, however remarriage is even more work. So many lives intersecting, blending of families – but moreover so much trauma, triggers and history trying to heal, come together and be better for each other. Only if you are purposeful in trying to be better for each other do you survive.
I am prickly at times. I have flashbacks in some situations, to feelings that are 20+ years old – and in response I armor up!!! I want to be in control but want him to be in control – yes you read that right. Stop, go, yes, no – its exactly like that. Dean tells a story that so accurately depicts this real life struggle. When Dean first came to town and owned the bike store there was an older gentleman that had founded the local bike club aka “The Bike Club President”. He reached out to Dean and wanted to pass the torch to him and engage a younger generation so that the club would continue. But anytime Dean went to change the way things worked in the Bike Club – the former bike club president would jump in and have his say. He wasn’t quite ready to give up power, yet he said he wanted to. So often Dean uses this story to describe me – “The bike club President” – How I want him to take control yet I don’t want to give up control. And hence, everyone is left struggling for control, doing a dance trying to find position within our marriage. Dean is so good at using humor to call me out on this and it is funny. But like most things I struggle with – this is a leftover from the trauma of divorce. However I am learning to surrender and allowing my husband to lead. Again the patience of JOB I tell you!
What I have noticed in my moments of pushing myself to be better and do better – I look up to find someone in my life that LOVES me in a way no one has ever loved me. It is overwhelming at times how completely he loves me and to the depth in which he does. What I experience with Dean leaves me numb sometimes – like its all too much for my senses to be loved and adored like he does. Its palpable, people see it – our friends feel it. It even jumps off the screen in pictures. It’s real.
His love and how he loves me so completely pushes me everyday to do it better for US. To continue to grow in our relationship and figure it out. It is an honor for me to push myself beyond my comfort level and do something that feels vulnerable and uncomfortable for my marriage – for him. He so deserves it.
Moral of the story…. there is much work left to do even after you find Your Person. Keep pushing yourself, identifying what is holding you back and communicate!
I love that man…